“I can be afraid and I can do it anyway.”
That’s the last thing I wrote in my journal this morning.
I have felt like shit lately. My morning pages for the last two weeks are full of fears and doubts and insecurities. It’s a nagging loop of “anti-affirmations” and the more I’ve allowed myself to spiral, the deeper in I have felt.
I think it’s because the end of the year stresses me out. As much as I try to rebel against the cliché of “New Year, New Me” and the idea that you have to have things wrapped up in a shiny bow by December 31st, it gets to me.
I don’t feel like I’m where I should be. And, even with my 2024 plan laid out all nice and neat in Google Sheets, I’m not sure I can get to where I want to be.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night and panic about all of the work I needed to get done the next day, worried my boss would call me out for not doing enough. Now, I wake up in the middle of the night and panic about the void…the “is this all there will ever be?” of it.
I’ll talk to someone about my goals, then they’ll offer support, then I’ll panic that I can’t live up to the hype (even though there is no hype), then I’ll crawl back toward the old familiar places. I just don’t feel good enough.
…I’m still dancing around the thing I’m afraid of though. So here it is:
I want to start a business. I want to work with small business (all businesses?) and individuals in creative ways.
Not just marketing. I want to do some creative storytelling.
At the heart of it, I want to make money off of nothing but my own blood, sweat, and ideas. And, I want it to be a lot of money. As much money as I was making at my last job. More.
You may think, “What are you afraid of? You’ve got nearly a decade of Marketing experience! You’ve been nursing a photography hobby for twice that! You got this!”
I’m afraid that I’m not that good.
I’m afraid that if I try to charge what I need to charge, someone’s gonna laugh. Or get mad.
I’m afraid that I’m delusional.
Honestly, I’m not where I need to be to make what I want to make with my photography. I’m a lot closer with Marketing but still…
I have been so scared of failing that I haven’t really done much outside of tasks that I was explicitly told to do by people who knew more than me at the time (or at least had higher titles).
I’ve been on a team. I’ve had a boss. I’ve had research and how-tos and to-do lists I could point to and say, “See! I checked the boxes!”
In this new shit, I just have me. Me and my ideas and my brain and my creativity and my technical skills.
Before, if someone didn’t like something I did, it’s possible they didn’t like the idea my boss had come up with. Or, they didn’t like the product or the company.
If someone doesn’t like something I do now, they don’t like me.
Terrifying.
…deep breath…
Rationally speaking, somebody can not like your art or feel their business aligns with your services without it being a personal annihilation of your very being. I know that
BUT we are talking about fears here. It’s hard to have a rational conversation with your own psychological boogey men. Which is why I hadn’t been holding them off for a while. I let them in and I let them scream.
This morning, when I decided to try to quiet them, the only answer that came to me is that I have to do it scared.
“I can be afraid and I can do it anyway.”
I can work on recognizing my own capabilities. I can even seek approval from external sources and “looking at the evidence” in analyzing my past work. I can employ various tactics to beat back the fear.
But, ultimately, even in times when I can’t beat it, I also can’t let it hold me where I am anymore.
(One comforting thought is that I’m not alone. As I’ve learned writing recaps of all 32 Speaker Stories sessions (for Women Talk Design), everyone’s had to wrestle with their own fears and anxieties. Overwhelmingly, their advice is also to just do the thing anyway.)
So yeah…do it scared. That’s what I’ve got for you today.
I am considering this my first step. Admitting what I want to do, on the internet, for all to see. I also told some people at a party this weekend.
I don’t have to be great to start but I do have to start (and keep going) to become great. (Or, good enough…my therapist feels I need to stop seeking glory and recognize I can be happy with a “simple life”. We’ll see.)
This is me starting.